a word at the start

not so dreamy dreams

2007-09-10T11:57:00.000-05:00

there's a girl in here who looks like ms. teen south carolina. she's one of "those girls" who wakes up 2 hours early every morning to do her hair and makeup and get dressed in the clothing she picked out last night. she's blonde, styled in a pathetic attempt at a pompadour (also soooo 2 seasons ago)and wears a turquoise jersey dress, carefully matched with

oh shit i just started to remember my dream from this morning. scratch that before stuff, i don't care about her. this is the shit dreams are made of:

Jay, dad of the kids I babysit for calls and leaves a message. I think he's calling cause I'm late to babysit (maybe I was supposed to and forgot). But actually he wants to see if I want to come over and hang out. He's rented "Secretary" and we could watch that and I could play with the kids and have a good time. Angie's out of town. I was freaked out. All this meanwhile I'm doing some kind of Catechism class with my sister and brother and Chris Clinton and Kyle D and lots of others and it's in Malibu or something- everything is musky, grey. As per my dreams usual. So I'm not really good at this Catechism thing- there are lots of tests to prove yourself and if you get too many questions wrong, you die. There was a car too and we drove around A LOT. A fat woman was scared and in charge, she knew more than me for certain. Anyhow, I think there was a way to come back to life- like Jesus Resurrected- but I was terrified the whole time nonetheless. I went into a bathroom at a break to tell someone about it.

Then I was in Forever21 (This is the SECOND dream I've had in the past week about that store) looking at clothes that were on sale. I had omnly cash- about 40 dollars or so (actually it was exactly the amount I had after yesterday's cashing of 68 dollars and 51 cents and having spent 37 of it during the day). So, I'm looking and I'm also on the lam and whaddya know but Jay is there on the floor of the store eating cheetos and watching "the game" He's also drunk because he's an alchoholic and went out drinking with his work buddies before coming home/forever21. The clothes were frilly and summery and I was looking through some babydoll dresses and ended up with a huge pile. I kept taking off my shoes. At first nobody worked there but then a snobbish couple showed up and they were judging me. I was eating a sandwich and a salesman came around, he knew me and was nice but i needed to avoid him.

Then Jay's kids were there and they wanted to help me pick out underwear. There was a whole part of the store I hadn't noticed at first, with new clothes. the bras were all small and rainbow striped and i pulled one apart. They looked like training bras, and just came apart at the center chest seam, like taffy or a spiderweb.

Somehow I left, ended up at school in an shiny marbley florescent administrative hall with lots of doors and offices with windows and innuendos (sp?) to previous dreams from months ago and walked out and left the dream forever.

oh lordy

2007-09-07T00:15:00.000-05:00

So. I am lazy. My house is disgusting- I didn't do anything all day. I have lots of homework- didn't do it. My dishes are dirty- haven't done them in 3 weeks. Maybe more. I finally got up at 8 pm after watching "The Office" all day long. Literally all day, save the 2 hour nap I managed to fit in between 5 and 7 pm. I skipped all of my classes. I don't remember the last time I did this and wasn't sick.

I've noticed a trend though: Usually I let things get really really really bad before I chin up and make themn good again. So this was the icing on the garbage can I guess. I went to Target tonight, where I spend 4 dollars and 9 cents on a fucking coffee. Then I went to Barnes and Noble, where I WORK IN THE CAFE and get 50 percent off. I didn't get upset because the trip to BN wasn't planned. It's cool, Starbucks deserves my hard earned dollars that they helped to give me. Working for the man, giving back to the man. Super.

I also misplaced 100 Years of Solitude, which I am reading for a class for which the reading now is not necessarily imperative, but I read it anyway because it consoles me to think that I'm doing SOME homework, even though the important homework hasn't been touched. I also picked up The Road at work tonight. It's reallllly good. He writes in fragments. I lovehate that.

Last night Kelly and I went to seve47 for my first time. It didn't hurt that bad, but I bled a little. Everyone was a frat or sorost. And a shitty band played. We had to pay 3 dollars each to get in, but we were drunk so it was cool.We also went to Logan's and Othello's. Order those backwards, you'll have the course of the evening. The bartender at Logan's gave us some free shots that were actually big drinks. This after a bottle of wine and 2 tequila tonics. Yum. Then we danced on the dance floor with some dude and his friend. One of them gave me his hat. I just remembered that part. Then we went to Pita Pit, where I tried to make them put bacon on my falafel sandwich. I was found out though- I didn't pay for bacon. Then we ordered pepperoni pizza and I ate that too and also ate it all day today. God, I felt like a fresh 19 year old with a fake id.

So, I blame today on last night.

This weekend though: it's gonna be good. I can feel it in my bones. "Good" meaning I'll do my homework. geez.

Had a dream that Kelly wanted to cuddle all night and lots of other crazy shit happened so that when I woke up I was confused and thought that all of it really happened. I was hungover too. I'm not allowed alchohol anymore.

p.s. Haven't seen Ralf in a week or so; I'm going to decide that it's a good thing. He is an unpractical crush. Still, half the reason I went to BN tonight was because I thought he might be there, and we could wax mathematics and gaze dreamily into each other's bespectacled eyes (if I'd remembered my glasses). Guess he must have been at Starbucks.

brief synopsis

2007-07-03T10:41:00.000-05:00

dream last night:
gave birth to a baby boy, smartest kid i'd ever seen.
he was walking within minutes,
was large like a toddler not baby.
labor was not painful, baby was also talking within moments:
full conversations.
i looked at him and wanted to name him henry, though somehow
couldn't decide between russell and henry.

at one point in the dream, discovered that
throughout the pregnancy i had smoked cigarettes,
did drugs and alcohol. it was as though i hadn't known
that i was pregnant, rather the opposite:
i hadn't known i'd been drinking etc while pregnant.
people kept reminding me and i'd have vague memories
and then say no no no i wouldn't dare... but i had.

i think we also lived in a space station.

2007-06-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

express yourself

2007-06-15T15:45:00.000-05:00

Super Serious time
When I look back on old posts, I think of how orderly my life was: just because I was doing something: writing it down. My life has NEVER been orderly, but I like being reassured that I'm not a complete bored, boring idiot.
Last winter/spring went by so fast that I wish I had something to grasp onto- I wish I'd wrote more, made more, etc.
Simon and Clem are leaving on Monday: it seems that "only yesterday" we were picking them up from the airport. Yesterday I talked to Max on Skype and he has a MacBook now so I got to see him for the first time since August. I tried not to get too teary.
I'm working on getting things together: doing instead of saying and doing what I want, not what I think others want. It's really hard to break old habits but it's working.

My dreams are all more patterned than before latley: all with my sister and mother. Some with my Dad and brothers. Oh, I could make a chart/graph/map.

I decided that I'm going to close my eyes and point on a globe and that's where I'll go. No exceptions, it's where I will go. I haven't done it yet I'm kinda nervous.

I got "promoted" to 50 cents more per hour at the EIC desk, which means that now I'm a "Student Supervisor." I'm underqualified, seriously. But now I guess that's incentive to do work I should have been doing in the first place.
I also do some work in the Reference Office and I like that- I'm getting to know the other librarians.

i'm working on being nic eto everyone- strangers even. I like it.

I bought some film and tried out the Polaroid 669 film on my older 600 cmaeram but the shutter I think it is broken. So I ended up with lots of unexposed and weird stuff on the film- esp the ones I peeled before dev. time (90 secs). They look neat and I decided to turn a potential disaster (read: expensive)into something great. I started etching into the emulsion and I like what happened.
I'm still working a lot with text and even submitted work to a literary journal, don't know what will happen.
I have a hard time going to class still and missed two in a row in my sculpture class. So today I went and nobody was there. Serves me right. I'm going to try to do the casting alone tonight: one mold is finished and the other almost. I'm going to cast with paper too: see how it turns out.

I have to clean today- don't know if I will but I haven't seen too many bugs lately so if I want it to stay that way (and not have them hiding alll lllll over) then I'd best get going. The state of my house is disgusting, really and truly.

amsterdamwithtree

2007-06-14T16:06:00.001-05:00

This is one of almost none of the photos I took in Amsterdam.
I went with Max and four of his friends, who were sometimes too rowdy. This day was one of the most peaceful. We stopped at an undercrowded coffee shop, and the Germans sitting next to us offered up their remaining hashish, as they couldn't take it home with them. We were in a quaint little neighborhood just next to a canal, and rode through someone's garden on our bikes to get here.
I was stressed out the whole trip, as riding bikes amongst hundreds of othe bikes while watching out for hundreds of cars and pedestrians while stoned... you get the idea. It was hard to get used to.
We camped just outside the city: was more like living outside- as there were hundreds of others. Though the campsite was over crowded- much like the city- word of advice, don't go in the summertime, the evenings were very peaceful and the community area had a well stocked ice cream vending machine.

I like the look of this tree and partial sign- also how I can just make out parts of the city beyond the tree. The blurriness and vignetting thanks to my vintage Zeiss 120 camera. It's a rangefinder, so many of my images were guesses and flukes. Some I feel I can't even take credit for. This one I can- it's one of the very few that I actually remember taking (really! and I was baked out of my mind).

from the train

2007-06-12T14:06:00.001-05:00

i took this from the train window on the way from clermont-ferrand, france to marseille. there is a lot to see at the brief stops if you watch closely- even cliche, but quite real: french families and friends saying hello and goodbye, clothing drying on the line,

and just before the train picks up real speed (also when it's slow on certain tracks) it's easy to note vegetation and architecture, sometimes even people sunbathing near a river. kelly and i had our coach all to ourselves on this leg of the journey. the trains -long winded french ones especially- are remarkably hot in the summer time, making seats and coaches with other people virtual saunas. trains stop in just about every small town with a station on the way, so the trips take a long time, particularly when you have to change trains- this journey to marseille was around 10 hours.
we had a short layover in nimes, about 4 hours down the road from this image. there, we ate pizza and smoked our cigarettes while we watched passersby (a man with a caged bird at a nearby table) and suffered mild heat stroke.
there's not really much to see in this photo except the feel of fleeting glimpses which are so common from these kinds of windows.
"nothing" is often my favorite thing to see- photos like this make me feel, imagine, and remember something more than something more descriptive. this stop was only 15 minutes or so outside of clermont; the sun rose as we made our way from this small station to the next.

mess room

2007-06-11T13:45:00.001-05:00

my wreck of a bedroom in my old apartment on elm, which oddly is greatly missed these days.
maybe it's because my new(er) place is just as messy, if not moreso.
i need to clean up. i also need to find some chronic.

roadwiper

2007-06-10T17:26:00.001-05:00

i came across a bunch of contact sheets in my locker today, this image was among them. i haven't printed it yet, but seeing all that shit piled up really gave me some inspiration to start working again.
lately all my stuff feels stagnant, repetitive. i like finding things that i think of as new again; it's nice realizing that i haven't always been in a rut, and seeing things in my own work that i was unable to see before.

pickard ave

2007-06-08T14:51:00.001-05:00

i almost never shoot at night but i had a few rolls of bw and couldn't sleep so this is what happened. new house in norman. it's arranged differently now in the living room: the bedroom wall is above with my mom's pear painting. i really love the grainy qualities of these images, but the scans made the whites too bright, almost blue.

flat tire bikes vienna

2007-06-07T19:54:00.001-05:00

i'm going to start blogging one a day of recent/old photos. this was taken in vienna, austria outside of the museum of modern art. i didn't notice that the tire was flat at the time- this happens to me often in photos: the not noticing but somehow getting something relatively interesting. weird.

was so much a part of everything

2007-05-14T13:50:00.000-05:00

entries from newest art piece:
a book with poetry and images, both deconscructed.
experimental i suppose,
here are the poems not the images. will scen all later.

THUS, a chapter of doing
of seeing,
see?
just, i, um,
i mean you

1.

waking up or falling to sleep
it wasn't real sleep
it was only for a moment
on a piece of paper
on a plastic stick
i
in a they did it in the ground
and you
never seen her again take it down
taje it down
of dancing didnt dworn
soffocating air don't remember

sad little girls
smell it anesthetic in fluids don't remember

was no baptized in the was no real
she definitley don't remember
water
only for it
momma hold hands saus not agin
you better be careful now
moment was a
talk on a phones on a piece
of paper
bye bye
in a plastic stick
bye bye
in a memory of some
bye bye
non-place
bye bye

i mean noboday would touch
never seen her agin said not again
it begins its begins i sadit was not
there wasnt the wrost
but to come
that awful
gun i
had no say it again

2.

olives o l i v e s
in the olive trees
momma smell like dead babies
leaves those
arethe bradford pear trees
sticky sticky sap
your bed thinking of shit drips it on the car top
soggy south of it don"t exist like
that sleeping science of
the bathroom corner
birds not like you are supposed to
behind the door or were 'cos we were supposed to
i we didn't want it we we
i still
are! do
UHMMMMMMMM
i still no
we go there id
know nhope
on not keep trying and maybe it will work
kup trying adn myabe
this thing i have to do titlt wul wrok
to go away say yill wrok
work
go away.

3.

eighteen years eighteen years
i took 19 years to i'll be it where where
how about a beer you wnat some crack cociane
i'll break the porcelain
i'd rather not thank how about an orange juice?
cups in the cabinet all
in the bathroom near the walrus
keep the manatee safe marge
will, wull, WAll us take it down keep it down

underwater is not peaceful is not safe
seventeeth year the seventeeth year
God, you make me so anxious.

he doneup and died and keeled up over
underneath the doorknob
i don't know iwas
nt s'pposed to know abouttit so keep it
she was a cunt
secret keep it safe
little bitchy vitch
keep it secret keep it
safe
drives a fucking truck
don't go running aroundin no cherry trees
never done nothing i mean nothing
keep it to the apples
but mean in her whole goddamnifrees
i can't help where it goes
she soled it shot where the hoe sleeps in the shed
she took it out
her daddy with that
wand whacked him dead.

4.

i loved the same music bar

every night the same thing
so where are you now not even

in nothing i could think of
not even could imagine just think about it
the sky won't see you back
i had you for it
i'll show you sparkling pussy streets
no more shewing gum some cigs and matches
so hard up
some ashes on your polyplastic
so hard and sky sky skytable looks just like wood
the dont even have a hardware store that day and it
never rains how could anyone live there
so take it up oh my god how could you live there
want as you like

tell him to stay there his teeth
aand you want it good take my heel
are chompers he8ll eat you up up
tale your mouth
up

up
, for example i
up

an away

you're pretty hip to it you lovely thang
let's get together make those hips sing alon
g

artist statement

2007-04-14T14:27:00.000-05:00

Prologue:
In 1984 I was born to Leslie Lienau and Richard Gibbs.
We moved all over. We moved away from Richard Gibbs.
My home is in my thoughts, and unless I’m really hungry or I need a spliff, memory is my primary concern.
If I’m not paying attention to you when you talk to me, I’m probably remembering the time I stepped on that bee in the backyard on N. Hammond St- I was seven.
Or maybe how the first time I met you, there was nasty zit on your nose and I wanted to pop it for you.
My memories shouldn’t be any of your business,
but I’ll let you take a look if you don’t tell me what you think about it.
Wherever I’m going next is wherever you aren’t.

Point:
I’ll have you know that my professional and esteemed opinion is that the revolving door between memory and reality rotates awfully fast. I’ll also have you know that my goal is to stop it in its tracks, if only for a moment.
You can tell me what you think about that but I won’t listen, ‘cause I already think it’s working and you ain’t gonna change my mind.
Memory is the only thing that matters to me because it’s the only reason I do anything.
My work is about memory; my memory is about my work. I don’t care if you like it, I don’t care if you understand it; it’s not for you.

oh gross

2007-03-13T23:34:00.000-05:00

i had a dream that i stabbed myself in the back 6 times.
every time i did it was a sharp pain and i would bleed but the blood was
not dripping or seeping, it just was there.
i stabbed myself like they do in the show rome when they
really want someone to die.
but i wasn't dying, i would just feel weak
and walk around for a bit.
i finally called 911 and they came
and in the dream i told my sister after i called 911
i don't remember anything until i came home.
the 911 call was weird. i was very calm
but had a hard time explaining that i stabbed myself.
i wanted them to know that it wasn't out of desperation
so much as it was me wanting to know what it felt like
to stab myself.

they bandaged me up and i could see my wounds
when i pulled back the gauze. i thought that i must have lost a lot
of blood and wondered where my pain killers were: why didn't the doctors give me any?
the wounds were thin and long, like i was a deep cutter
and not a stabber.
it's really disturbing me to write about this. more than
it was to dream it, i wasn't so afraid in my dream.

havilah came over and i told her about what i did
and asked her not to tell anyone.
she didn't.
she wore a navy dress from the gap, a long one
that i had wanted but couldn't afford.

i pulled the dress on over my bandages in the bathroom
at my mom's house.

my mom told havilah not to shop at the gap anymore because
havilah was on an anti-consumerism rant.

i was at target and tracy our bartender
at the library who i went to art school with
worked there and i bought some stuff exchanged some stuff
with sara.
then tracy asked me if i wanted to change the world photo
that was near the register
but underneath the photo there was a big mess or leftover spaghetti
food so i cleaned that up and looked through a book of photos
and the one that was up was from india and that's the one i kept because it
was the only one that was like the world.
it was on a bridge with different kinds of people doing different kinds of
things and some were looking at the camera. it was very graphic and broken up but still one image.

then i went to the mall and drove like a maniac
and saw women with their children in strollers and
found some jewelry and asked a woman if a ring was hers and she said no.

rick and joe and patrick and sierra and susanna and mike and jen
and pretty much a lot of people who i know were at the beach outside of a store
they were laughing around a campfire and having fun.
patrick told me astory about how mike dyed part of his hair white
and when i saw mike it looked like he had cotton balls burrowed
at the ends of his hair moving outwards so it looked like he'd tipped
his hair in white but it was fluffier
of his hair so i thought that was funny and i started laughing and
laughed so hard that i had to go out to the hall
and laugh
and everyone inside wondered what i was laughing at but i couldn't
tell them because i didn't want to hurt mike's feelings.
some girls walked by in beach towels and looked at me like i was crazy.
i couldn't stop laughing.

sea, sex and sun

2007-02-23T10:40:00.000-06:00

the days are beautiful and the vitamin d makes such a difference.
i'm feeling better every day and it's good to have a broken car in this weather.

i keep forgetting to write my dreams down... rather avoiding it, but i'm going to get around to it.

my friends in clermont have a really great band that sounds a bit like "why?" they are pretty incredible.
here's their "myspace"

i hope you know how much i love you.

like shit

2007-02-19T19:19:00.000-06:00

I never felt so sick in all of my life.

Oh I thought I could write about it but oh I was wrong.

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh woe is me.

dreamhouse

2007-02-16T09:53:00.000-06:00

Had a dream last night that Sara Brooks was around and so was her friend Trevor. I thought he was cute and told her so found out that he was the first boy Sara had sex with and he was from Washington state. I asked Sara why he had a really cool Oklahoma tattoo with a star on Tulsa and she got upset because he stole that tattoo from her. She had one on her upper back just below her neck that looked like a messy woodblock print of a bird and a house.

I worked for a bookstore and for the library and my schedules were getting mixed up. A girl I know from highschool was having a big party and I was invited and I had to rush around to try to get there. It turned out that I didn’t have to work at the library at the same time as the bookstore, I found out on the facebook because Sherman told me in a video message. My mom had some kind of art show party that I was missing or needed to go to.

I got to the bookstore and it was a Christian store. I’d been in once before with my huge art history book and I looked at shelves and the owners and their kids. They played bad Christian music. I was afraid at first that they would think I was stealing the art book but I soon got over it. The place was open but crowded with sub-par books: change your life through Christ shit and children’s adventure novels. There were needlepoints framed on the wall and stuffy pink and faded yellow armchairs. The stereo was by the front door where there was a table and some chairs. The register was in the back, up a bit from the rest of the store on a kind of side platform.

I left in my yellow Volvo. When I came in to actually work there, the owner was a skinny older man with gray hair. He told me that they had some music to play if I wanted to… “megan…” something. Some Christian smooth crap. He didn't train me and when tgey left he and his son were in the car and I asked questions but they were babysitting questions and their kids were going with them. I played my own music and my sister and brother (Seth) came to visit. In the other room (the bookstore was in a church that looked not unlike a house) there was a dormitory barely distinguishable from my viewpoint by the metal beds on the wall. A half naked black man was walking around like he lived there and looked like hed just gotten out of the shower and I was very confused. Havilah had to point out the dormitory to me and explain why he was there. There was a woman too and a social worker who they talked to on the stairs but I never saw the social worker; she was only implied by sound. Seth having disappeared when the black man and his friend appeared, Havilah and I left the bookstore… my shift may or may not have finished but that didn’t matter: it was time to go. At the library we talked to people -but not really there was no actual conversation- at the circulation desk and girls went in and out. I felt claustrophobic. There was some bright green somewhere, and pinks. Probably on someone’s shirt, but that part was important. A girl confronted me with her eyes about listening in on her conversation.

The girl from highschool would call to confirm my rsvp and I’d have to call her to say I would be late. Dad was in the dream somewhere and a house I didn’t know.

the moving image

2007-02-12T11:08:00.000-06:00

These are the things I watched on the television last night:

JACKIE BROWN

DRACULA ON MASTERPIECE THEATRE

LAW AND ORDER: SVU

A RECAP OF MY DREAM THIS MORNING:

An ex boyfriend became a vampire and started to bite people. He wore a button-down worn in plaid shirt and jeans.
I still had liked him I guess and he wanted to get together against the
wishes of my mother and my friends. We did anyway and he bit me while we were having sex on a couch in a grey almost foggy room (it was more translucent than foggy) but I didn't die or become a vampire (when I woke up I thought that maybe there was some kind of time-lapse... We'd kissed after her bit me which would mean that I would have drunk blood but maybe it took a while until I became a vampire). I was afraid of his biting me but I also liked it. There was a woman who I didn't know who didn't want us to be together either and to whom I kept justifying my actions while telling her that I knew she was right.

Havilah was visiting from somewhere and had a big bag. We were staying in a hostel/grocery store/apartment. There was an ATM in the girls' showers and it kept moving, it was later explained to be a portable ATM machine.
The vampire ex boyfriend kept leaving and coming back. He would go to parties and meet cute girls and bite them. He probably had sex with them too.

We had a party in the grocery store living quarters and Vampire BF came with his friend. VBF kept coming close to me and we would hug or something but I really really didn't want him to bite me again so I was reluctant. There was a floppy bed and lots of people at the party.
I had a feeling of being surveilled by the state, especially at the party.

There was a woman who stood in between Havilah's room and the kitchen near a chair and a Latino man. She was tall and solid with big black hair and a blue suit that she had made herself. She and I spent a lot of time talking about how she made the suit. She was self-concious about how she'd put breast pockets with buttons on the front. I told her that they looked nice. I thought maybe she was in the navy and asked her continuously what organization she belonged to (cause she definitely belonged to something) and she kept telling me but the music was too loud or her voice was too distorted so I missed it every time.

Havilah's huge bag had something in it that I really needed and I kept sorting through her clothing and soap but never found anything.

Mom and Havilah and I went to the mall and were shoe shopping. Someone was watching us there too and we were supposed to meet someone like my brother Seth. The shoe store was small and cramped and Mom found some nice ones. I kept trying shoes on and Havilah was watching in a corner. Lots were mismatched but still tied together. There were no true blacks: only plums and off whites. The white shoes were birkenstocks but looked like heavy flats. They hugged my feet very tightly and had great arch support. Havilah and Mom might have been getting impatient but they weren't showing it too much. The clerk was cold. The shop was surrounded by windows.

The colour pallette for this dream was very subdued: A lot of haze and plums, greys, light browns. Maybe some swamp greens. These were all the colours until I spoke to the woman in uniform. Her suit was bright blue and looked like polyester. Her shirt was very white and slightly wrinkled, her face was kind and very very worried, like someone was watching her or she was botching up a heist, and the kitchen had wooden light brown varnished rounded back chairs and white linoleum floors. And the part with Havilah's bag had some yellows and was a bit more detailed.

old stuff

2007-02-11T17:28:00.000-06:00

i worked on photos today and am thinking of staying all night at the ceramics studio. all semester - one month now- i've been to only one class time. it's pathetic.

i keep having dreams about my old apartment and the bedroom floor. i dream that i still live there or i'm visiting and the landlords have refinished the wooden floors and put carpet beyond the bed. the floors were beautiful: light and well polished. i was angry and anxious; i wasn't supposed to be there.
needless to say i suppose, the dreams are nerve wracking and scattered.

i'm happy to be working with europe images again.
my free time will involvethem for a while i think and that's great just great.

hey "babay"

2007-02-10T15:09:00.000-06:00

got stoned last night, wrote an email to max.
babysat this morning for todd's kids who are adorable. really cute kids, and really well-behaved.
housewives of orange county is the biggest waste of time on television.
maybe something can be gleaned from it... like how f-ed up rich mostly white people are.
i'm hungry veggie pizza delicious. movie stonight havilah's having a party so i'll go there need to do dishes think i'll bake cookies.
i like the new blogger... now it's easy photo posting i guess. i'll do that later though.

captain's courageous was on tcm the other day and i remember watching it when i was about 9 or 10 because grandma made a tape of it for us. spencer tracy is in it and does a really phoney latin american accent. there's mickey rooney too. i used to watch movies of him with judy garland. like the andy hardy movies. i loved those. they were too wholesome and i think i knew it but i like the old fashionedness of them. i never finsihed captain's courageous, and 2001: a space odessey is on now and i've never finished that either. i'm gonna eat this pizza and take a nap. very cold today: overcast. i like it but not being in it.

joke that mom used to tell and which i later saw in pulp fiction, only to even later wonder if she told the joke because she saw it in pulp fiction:

momma tomatoe, pappa tomatoe, and baby tomatoe are walking home. baby tomatoe starts to lag behind. pappa tomatoe walks back to him, stomps on him, and says "KETCHUP!"

hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahhaha

sarah capshaw

to Maxime

show details

2:37 am (12 hours ago)

Hi. How are you?
Do you want to start writing emails again?
I read some of our old ones the other day.
Some of them were really nice to see again.

How is your internship?
My job is good, I meet a lot of interesting and bizarre people everyday.
I wish you could be here. There was a party tonight at Joe, Yasmeen, Gavin, Ashley and Shereen's house.
It was really fun. I just got very stoned and wanted to dance. But the dancing was kind of boring.

How is France? Is it cold? It's cold here. We had a really nice day the last time we talked, but the next day was really
cold and it's going to stay that way for a while. I rode my bike tonight anyway.

School is not bad, I'm very happy with most of my classes. I'm having a hard time explaining
my artwork and talking about what I want to do with it- what i want to say- but I think I'm
making more progress than I did in the past. I'm starting to write again.

I really miss you Max, and I hope you are okay. Tell me about your job and where you live. I like to think about what it looks like
on yoru end when we talk, especially when you talk to other people at the same time as to me.

I'm listening to Gonzales right now, the piano. It's nice. I always think of Lyon when I hear it.
I watched some clips fom Paris, Je T'aime on YouTube the other day. They have whole sections!
I watched the one with Natalie Portman and the one with the American woman who is alone.
I've been listening to Francoise Hardy and Serge Gainsbourg. Do you often listen to The Moldy Peaches?
I bought The Science of Sleep too. I haven't been able to see the whole thing yet; I've just watched it in sections.

Can you do me a favour? I want to know from you what you remember from this summer. If that's hard for you then don't worry about it, but I want to use some of it for my project and anything you have to say will be really good to use. Anything at all.

Okay, well write soon.

gros bisous,

sarah

--
sarah capshaw

i, um, i mean yeah

2007-02-06T10:44:00.000-06:00

So I don't do this very often lately but I think it's time to again
or at least to organize or something.
New house in a duplex next to Matt and that's really nice.
I thought a lot last night about how to make the backyard look nice. There is a big backyard, it's big and long and I'd like to have a garden or something that would be nice.
I've been taking some photos but not very many, mostly writing things down lately and mostly thinking a lot about everything.
I've made two books so far, and both I made early. I have urges now to create create create. I guess this means that the stagnant period might be over for a while, though that doesn't yet apply to my new house. I still have boxes and boxes of paper and junk and my film canister of good pot is hiding out somewhere in there.
A part of me is really afraid to go through all of that shit, but moving was part of getting out of the lazy, cramped, filthy life I led on Elm Ave. Charming is was, practical it was not.
I'm worried about finances but happy that I'm being frugal... kind of.

Anyway, no more trips to anywhere until I get it together.

I have another Library job, this time upstairs in the EIC. I watch people and help them print and talk to some of them. Jana still tries to weild her great power from down below in CPR. I was 10 mins late to my 7:30 am shift and she did notice. "I've got people" on my side though (thanks H&R Block).

I go to the sauna almost daily... working up to riding my bike instead of driving there.
I want to go somewhere big and get lost.

Today is really nice... 67 f for the high I believe. I'm learning to be happy about nice days in February, though it still gets my goat a little bit. It's FEBRUARY. I don't like being tricked into thinking it's spring time coming when it's not.

I started reading Flannery O'Connor stories on the internet. I'm slightly concerned that maybe I'm missing little bits of the stories. There are a lot of spelling errors.

People aks a lot of questions up here and I feel like the only answer I can give them is "I don't know." Sometimes the questions are common sense... the kind of things I'm not trained to answer, like "How do I turn on the computer". Common sense stuff that most teach themselves. But other questions are more complicated and I don't know WHO knows the answer.

Well, that was boring.

two words thank you

2006-11-10T11:27:00.000-06:00

two words
No Explanations.

1. Yourself: kinda hungry

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: far away

3. Your hair: very short

4. Your mother: very wonderful

5. Your Father: kinda crazy

6. Your Favorite Item: never existed

7. Your dream last night: has disappeared

8. Your Favorite drink: always delicious

9. Your Dream Car: doesn't exist

10. The room you are in: cold, messy

11. Your Ex: pretty, tall

12. Your fear: utter failure

13. What you want to be in 10 years: utterly successful

14. Who you hung out with last night: the best

15. What You're Not: very decisive

16. Muffins: yes please

17: One of Your Wish List Items: plane ticket

18: Time: is fabricated

19. The Last Thing You Did: ear scratch

20. What You Are Wearing: shirt shorts

21. Your Favorite Weather: is perfect

22. Your Favorite Book: is delightful

23. The Last Thing You Ate: french fry

24. Your Life: weird now

25. Your Mood: don't care

26. Your best friend: cares sometimes

27. What are you thinking about right now: my car

28. Your car: how weird

29. What are you doing at the moment: looking around

30. Your summer: magical unicorns

31. Your relationship status: very confusing

32. What is on your TV: remote cds

33. What is the weather like: bit chilly

34. When is the last time you laughed: last evening

35. Perfect Day: snowy trains

36. Where are you? powerful nation

recap, new cap

2006-11-01T10:04:00.000-06:00

I don't really know where to start ever.
Lately most people I know, myself included, are in a rut. A big fat apathetic one.
I don't know if it's the weather changing or our age or Oklahoma or what or why.
The cold weather makes me want to bake lots of pumpkin pie.
I'm smoking fewer cigarettes, very few now. Out of the ordinary for wintertime but I'm happy about it.

The Blow and Jenny Lewis and Will Scheff were all wonderful in concert. They all were magical. Will Scheff only played about 4 songs and seemed frustrated when he left the stage. This was justified as most people were talking during his set.
During Jenny Lewis and her stupendous band's set, the trademark (i guess it's mandatory at every great musical concert) idiots who don't give a shit about the music itself, who rather care more about people knowing that they know the music... they were right behind us. Easily remedied though: we moved up, though they sang at the top of their voices to Jenny Lewis's solo "Rabbit Fur Coat". As loudly as they could. They ruined that one.

Oh well.

Halloween was just mediocre this year, I won't elaborate but it was. Mediocre is sometimes worse than awful.

I babysat on Saturday and took the kids to a soccer game. Olivia and Jackson are 5 and played. They go to one of those mega churches that has a parking lots big enough for 100 small houses but is instead full of expensive cars owned by white people. Only white people. One that probably has it's own spa and McDonald's. This one does have Starbucks actually.
So, not surprisingly, they also have an enormous soccer area with multiple playing fields and multiple teams.
They stopped the game (really kids playing with the ball and eachother) at halftime for prayer time and bible study.
For five year olds who don't understand and spent most of it picking at the grass or each other.
And the kind mother next to us scolded her son for not paying more attention to the game which was being played without goalies or rules.
Poor kid. He'll probably end up just like his tight-ass parents.

Anyhow,

i don't care.

2006-10-12T17:18:00.000-05:00

i have 22 years.
thakns yuo.

nyc was fun even though the moma was closed
people are so crazy all the time

cab driver said "i'm american, i don't care, i do what i want, i don't care."

jello

2006-09-22T16:22:00.000-05:00

i'm still confused.

i need a shower, i got to shower in gelatin last night.
we sized our paper which means we got it ready for nonsilver printing
and it was so messy.
i also printed all morning and i still smell like chemicals.

i don't mind that much though.

i'm listening to this american life and it's one about
things without names. before they have names.

i need something like travel.

i'm confused

2006-09-13T15:10:00.000-05:00

it's cold at work.
there is alot going on
and i don't know.

i just don't know.

i'm going to buy some pants and shirts after work.
maybe some shoes too.

i miss havilah a whole lot.

i want to make something magical happen.

2006-08-20T15:04:00.000-05:00

1) Do you talk in your sleep? yes.

2.) Ocean or pool? ocean.

3) What's your favorite song at the moment? gemini (birthday song) from why? and anyone else but you from the moldy peaches

4) Current crush? maxime

5.) what's your favorite color(s)? green

6) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? collect my check.

7) Ever met anyone famous? yes.

8) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? i don't know.

9) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? i don't know.

10) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? none.

11) Basketball or Football? none.

12) How long do your showers last? not very long.

13) Do you know how to drive stick? yes.

14) Cake or ice cream? ice cream.

15) Are you self-conscious? sometimes.

16) Have you ever given money to a bum? i've given money to people who ask for it. but not all of them.

17) Where do you wish you were? les cerqueux sous-passavant with maxime.

18) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? i don't know.

19) Last gift you received? max bought my ticket to see le science des reves.

20) Last sport you played? i don't know.

21) Things you spend a lot of money on? clothing and shoes and travel.

22) Last wedding attended? clint and nicole

23) Most hated food(s)? black licorice.

24) Can you sing? yes.

25) Last person who called you? i don't know.

26) Whats your least favorite chore? dishes maybe or dusting. dusting.

27) Favorite Drink(s)? demi peche/ mojito/ water/ wine

29) Are you a vegetarian? not anymore.

30) Do you believe in Heaven? no.

31) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? none "24/7"

32) Are you eating? no.

33) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? no.

34) Do you wear makeup? sometimes.

35) Would you ever have plastic surgery? if i were severely injured.

36)What do you wear to bed? it depends on the season.

37) Can you roll your tongue? yes.

38) What kind of shoes? all kinds.

39) What is your Hair color? blonde.

40) Future child's name? i don't know yet.

41) Do you snore? sometimes.

42) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? somewhere magical.

43) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no.

45) Gold or silver? silver.

46) Hamburger or hot dog? neither.

47) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be? french cheese on bread.

48) City, beach or country? all three.

49) What was the last thing you touched?the keyboard.

50) Where did you eat last? the library.

51) When's the last time you cried? yesterday.

52) Do you read blogs? yes.

53) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? this is stupid.

54) Ever been involved with the police? i don't know.

55) What's your favorite body part on the opposite sex? hands maybe other parts too.

berlin

2006-07-26T12:55:00.001-05:00

is amazing.
amazing. i want to stay here forever.
that's all.

and it's fucking hot.

okay, that's all.

oh my goodness gracious

2006-07-13T03:55:00.000-05:00

kelly and i are in marseilles.
i am in love, but not with kelly.
and not with france.
okay, maybe both kind of.
the beach here has sand that is really rocks.
rocks. really.
the ocean is light blue and warm at night. well, not warm but comfortable.
the hostel is fucking hot at night and i sweat and sweat. i will have to take three showers a day.
french improving, it's strange that i actually understand people when they speak to me.
in clermont before kelly came i went to a mountain lake, saw three world cup france matches (france lost the last one-- domage). i am in the home city of zinadine zidane, the most famous football player. or one of the most famous.
kelly and i are trying to find an h and m. we do not have a city map.
i also climbed a mountain in clermont, a volcanic one. or it was next to a volcanic one, i don't remember.
i have eaten A LOT of cheese. more than ever before i think.
i don't regret it.
not so much wine as beer, and i have to quit smoking.
french people are still weird, even though i understand them.
i want to smoke hashish.
i went to le-puy en velay and saw the oldest cathedral i have ever seen in my life.
10th century. it's a small town and everyone knows eachother.
the french people think it's boring, i think it's old and cobbled and beautiful.
the country side is fantastic and green and also beautiful.
the french people think it's no big deal.
we ate at a fancy french restaurant and the mayor was there too and
i ate rabbit.
it was delicious. and bony. i didn't like the bones.
oh that was probably the best meal i will eat in years.
hopefully not though.
okay, i have more but nothing else i have to find a city map.

ohhhh oh oh oh yeah i cut off my hair. i did it. and now it is trés frais.

i love you.

la poste, il est ou?

2006-06-27T04:28:00.000-05:00

i have to find a box to send things home.
i am leaving tomorrow for angers, and then going
to les cerqueux.
problem: ted seth jacobs hasn't written back and i don't know
if i should book a hotel in angers or not.
my train leaves really early in the morning, too... 7:30! ahhhhhh.
i suppose that if all else fails i can book a train to clermont and be
there within a few hours. no problem, not at all.
paris isn't bad.
went to centre pompidou and saw great things.
i also like the luxembourg gardens. i'm not really
crazy about being in the big city anymore.
i want to go to castles to drink cheese and eat wine.

okay, i have to go find a box and a baguette. i am so french.

oh shit

2006-06-26T06:16:00.000-05:00

in paris and i hate the keyboards.
i am renting a room from a french guy
who stays at his girlfriend's.
it is a charming place and his roomate is nice.
only problem is the landlady lives next door and
wouldn't be happy if she knew i was there, so i am
like an open-air refugee.
london was fun and ridiculous and i really like the parks
and the museu,s.
it doesnt feel like summer time and it's cloudy and rainy
and i'm hungry and nervous. i don't know why i'm so nervous.
i have to go to the postoffice today and get a box. maybe i'll do it tomorrow.

i feel disconnected... i should really eat some food.

a bientot!

I DON'T CARE!

2006-06-22T15:13:00.000-05:00

i am in london. this is it. i am drinking beer that tastes like beer at home but i can't put my finger on it so i don't care.i love you. i lourve you. i will be in france in three days. i went to the tate today and to two bars and now i am drunk. if you walk around all day you will think you are hungry and you will eat but your appetite will be minor and really what you will want is beer (i really mean 'i' instead of 'we' but i don't care).i love you, post is coming soon for some of you. there is a kandinsky exhibit opening the 22nd (i almost wrote 33nd but that doesn't esxist in our calendar so i erased it) at the TATE so i will go back and the good people (almost wrote goose) will get postcards. i saw 'un chien andaulsia' for the first time today and some stupid man ray film that had pretty imagery but stupid french music that was like amelie but really i liked it even thought it was trite and stupid and man ray was an a-hole but so were bunuel and dali i guess. i had to go all the way to london to see it (both but i really mean 'un chien...'). i liked it but i think art critisism is shit shit shit so i wont comment, I REFUSE!we are going to brighton tomorrow. i like that. i like london more than paris because paris smells like dog shit. and london has tons of parks that are prety. i am sad that i don't have my dig. camera. hopefully in france i will but today was so good and every moment i wanted a photo. tomorrow i will take my film i think. i am so excited about everywhere else. iloveyou (only some of you you know who you are i won't make a list.)sarahlienaucapshaw.

that was yesterday. now it's today.
national gallery and trafalgar square and buckingham palace
i went all over town.
now i'm at the internet cafe and all alone.
i like it.
it's cold here but apparently for the locals that's not cold.
it might rain tomorrow.
i saw the van eyck painting from my art history class and
it was so magical. so was the man in the red turban. they were
both so small. i ate a pasty (they say pasty like we saw pasta and pasta like we saw pastor). i can't understand anyone even though they all speak english.

met a cute french boy in the park. his name was steven and i showed him how to use my ikon because he has a similar kodak that was his grandfather's. he's on a grand english vacation like i am on a grand european tour.
i miss everyone. the beer is good and not too much, but the exchange is $1.80 to every £1. yowza.

anyhooo. i miss i love and it's all happening happening happening.
i want my digital camera too.

oh shit!

2006-06-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

so that feat failed.

europe in two weeks.

it's all happening, including the anxiety attacks.

i feel like i work all the time, even though i know it's not true.

oh i am freaking out.

in lieu of boredom

2006-05-25T11:04:00.000-05:00

here begins a documentation of food consumed each day.
i'm not sure about quantities... well, maybe i'll include those too.
i just want to know why my poops look the way they do, and i think this will help.

okay, i'll start with yesterday because that's as far back as i can remember.

YESTERDAY

morning:

slice of white "country bread" with whipped cream cheese. flavor: honey almond.

afternoon:

water and two pints of beer

evening: (post-drunk munchies)

-in no particular order-

water, strawberry poptart, grilled sandwich on two slices of honey wheat bread with spinach, tomato, "christian cheese" from dodson's (it doesn't taste better than the pagan cheese i usually eat), butter on outside, salt, and powdered garlic. also, about 4 sour cream&onion ruffles, two peanut butter twix bars, two double chocolate milano cookies, at least 1/2 cup of roasted lightly salted peanuts. more water.

TODAY:

morning: approximately 1/2 cup of ginger hemp granola, 1 cup of coffee, black.

i'll finish this later.

lunchtime edit:

i went to buy a sandwich before i had to work again. here are the stats.

afternoon: 1/2 sub sandwich from jimmy john's and a 20 oz. water with ice.
in the sandwich:

white bread with approx. 8 (!) thin slices of provolone cheese, brussel sprouts, shredded iceburg lettuce, avacado spread that doesn't really taste like avocados, 6 or so tomato slices. i think that's all.

i'm full. more to come for dinner, assuming i can eat anything else today, probably will just be beer.

failure

2006-05-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

i'm going to europe.
i leave 20 june and return 17 august.
since i bought the ticket, my stomach has jumped
up to my throat and my heart fell to my toes.
i'm having miniature anxiety attacks everyday,
and i've started applying for au pair jobs because
i'm so afraid of spending all of my money in one week.
hostels are expensive! train travel is expensive!
eating could be cheap. i'll have to quit smoking for sure.
oh my goodness what was i thinking?

i guess i wasn't thinking.

this is going to be the best trip of my life.

i might die.

librarian

2006-05-11T18:43:00.000-05:00

sometimes when i am drunk, i think
that everyone else is drunk too.

grand total of hours worked today= 8.

that's alot for part-time.

school is over but i can't tell. i'm ready to get on that
airplane and fly over the sea. oh boy oh boy oh boy.

i think the magic might be peeking again. or peaking? both,
yipee!

i decided not to hate anybody anymore.
it's hard work.

http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/11DavidAbrams.html

don't tell me what to do, bitch.

2006-05-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

no more finals.
one more critique.
i kind of want to squirm and
bury myself right now.

i saw a bird making gathering wet leaves for a nest.

it helped me realize that life doesn't matter anyhow,
because mother's still eat their young and birds still use
cigarettes and mulch to make their nests
and people still hate eachother and i still
want to eat cheese and i will always hate dumb bitches
who tell me what to do.

there is no more magic, it's all lost now.

have you seen it, well i've seen it too.

2006-05-03T00:36:00.000-05:00

my bike and i have a special relationship.
maybe i take it for granted.
tonight = second night in one and a half weeks
that i've been under some kind of influcence and have crashed and
inflicted some form of physical harm to myself.
it only makes me want to ride more.

i've been listening to the devendra banhart "white sessions".
every song he's ever done that was ever creepy in any
way no longer is. i adore him.

i have so much to do.

europe is looming and i have a conflict. it makes me
want to do do do everything i need, but it also makes me want
to get there and be there and inhale and think of nothing else.
i'm on the verge of obsession with leaving, and i've been contemplating
ditching summer school and making it june-august.
i really believe that i can make this happen.

i want to make so much happen.

magic magic magic.

the morning sickness

2006-05-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

i'm very nervous today. i wanted to lie in bed this morning, but
the sun was up and i was thirsty. i made a real breakfast this morning,
egg and toast and coffee. i smoked a cigarette before work. this made me more nervous.
the nicotene and coffee always upset my stomach, but i always do it anyway.
at work, someone brought down a platter of bagels, stale fruit, and mini muffins.
there was half a donut and two cookies, too.
i shouldn't have made such a real breakfast.

i couldn't find my prints from the last critique at home, and i don't know whether or not they are in my locker.
i don't have enough images, and the new ones are insufficient.
they aren't good enough, and they won't stand alone without the others.
i keep hoping that they are in my locker with images i don't need, but
i cannot fathom that it could be so.
i've been reading again, short stories. i'm happy about it.
i feel so nervous that i want another cigarette, but i'm afraid that it
will just make things worse.
1:15 and i'll be finished working. then i can find out
whether or not i'm doomed to everlasting shame.
shame from myself, i'm too difficult.
i know it will be alright, but the images are not exact. they need to be
exact, and they are not. and there are not enough. the rest are still at
the processor's.
stop being so lazy. i have so much to do.
i get so anxious.
none of it matters though, i just have to do it.
everything else is more important, more important.

this feels a slightly like the upright citizen's brigade bit
with alfred einstein making audio diaries and scolding himself
not to masturbate anymore. and he crawls under the rug, talks
about mending his dinner coat. oh, i want to watch that
right now!

some people say that a fetus is a parasite living off of
the mother, and it made me wonder whether or not
that's why women get morning sickness.
but if it's a parasite, then there wouldn't be a womb, right?
or a fallopian tube, etc. women would just be men if it were a parasite.
i looked up parasite and it's classified as something that subists on
the host for most of its life. so if it is a parasite, then could you say
it's not really a human yet? it's a different kind of life in the womb,
but maybe that doesn't mean that it isn't real yet.
and it does inflict harm upon its host, a great deal.
but there can be good, too.
maybe we've learned to accept that it's a parasite, maybe we don't
mind because many of us choose to host it.
but i don't really think it is, not in the true sense of the word.

but what are words, anyhow?

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-allen1may01,0,3923328.story?coll=la-news-comment-opinions

it's quiet at work today even though there are many students. just no student workers.
i'm actually pretty happy about that.

there is so much magic.

neat

2006-04-29T17:29:00.000-05:00

first post.
i think i'll keep this one.
this blog i mean.
things are happening,
and i guess i'm pretty important, so
people should read about me and my
life and how important i am
and about what i think is important, because that
is the most important thing, i am.

the rain was really nice today, and now
that i'm working i'm irritated
because the outside is beautiful and i
have things to scan and print.
some of the images are too pixelated
and i will have to change many things.

i wonder how many people come into the library everyday.
we keep tallies, but not of how many people. it would be impossible
unless a computer did it, or unless there were
some kind of system with people counting all day. even then,
there would probably be discrepancies.
i have two library jobs now.
neat.
"the squid and the whale" sort of changed my weekend.

magical things happen every day.